Giving Up Control
Blessed are all they that put their trust in him. Ps. 2:12.
Pain, arguing, and loneliness often overshadowed the fun times of growing up. As the years went by I began to question, If God could not help my caring Christian parents to be happy and peaceful, how can He possibly help me?
For a time I believed "Mr. Right" would be the solution to my problems. But when my boyfriend and I broke up, I was through trying to live God's way. It was time for me to be in control. And thus began a 20-year battle, a secret nightmare.
On the outside my life seemed perfect. But the truth of my controlling ways, driven by fear and resentment, surfaced in binge eating and then throwing up.
Bulimia is now well recognized as a life-threatening eating disorder. But at that time it was not even in the medical textbooks. I feared I was demon-possessed because no amount of prayer, determination, or off-campus witnessing seemed able to keep me from this destructive practice. By my junior year it was so bad I was suicidal.
My husband and son have been through much emotional pain, not knowing what to expect from me, or if life would ever be normal and happy. Hospitalization and Overeaters Anonymous (OA) helped me to see I was living just to serve myself and to make myself feel and look good.
OA is based on the 12-step recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous and teaches that we are powerless over food (or sin, or whatever our problem is). Only a Power greater than ourselves can help us live to be of service to God and our fellow human beings. Making amends to those I had hurt was very painful, humbling, and slow. I started to let God be more and more in control of my life. Giving rather than taking is becoming more a part of my way of living. A previously unknown joy and contentment is growing inside me. I'm learning that God's way is good and that every victory is a gift, not something I can take credit for.
For me, bulimia has been a life-and-death struggle. Maybe all addictions are. But then, don't we all have to choose between life or death in the long run?
Who is in control of your life? Pray each morning, "Lord, I choose life. Take control of my thoughts and my actions. May I unselfishly live today for You and others, instead of for myself. Amen."
Pain, arguing, and loneliness often overshadowed the fun times of growing up. As the years went by I began to question, If God could not help my caring Christian parents to be happy and peaceful, how can He possibly help me?
For a time I believed "Mr. Right" would be the solution to my problems. But when my boyfriend and I broke up, I was through trying to live God's way. It was time for me to be in control. And thus began a 20-year battle, a secret nightmare.
On the outside my life seemed perfect. But the truth of my controlling ways, driven by fear and resentment, surfaced in binge eating and then throwing up.
Bulimia is now well recognized as a life-threatening eating disorder. But at that time it was not even in the medical textbooks. I feared I was demon-possessed because no amount of prayer, determination, or off-campus witnessing seemed able to keep me from this destructive practice. By my junior year it was so bad I was suicidal.
My husband and son have been through much emotional pain, not knowing what to expect from me, or if life would ever be normal and happy. Hospitalization and Overeaters Anonymous (OA) helped me to see I was living just to serve myself and to make myself feel and look good.
OA is based on the 12-step recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous and teaches that we are powerless over food (or sin, or whatever our problem is). Only a Power greater than ourselves can help us live to be of service to God and our fellow human beings. Making amends to those I had hurt was very painful, humbling, and slow. I started to let God be more and more in control of my life. Giving rather than taking is becoming more a part of my way of living. A previously unknown joy and contentment is growing inside me. I'm learning that God's way is good and that every victory is a gift, not something I can take credit for.
For me, bulimia has been a life-and-death struggle. Maybe all addictions are. But then, don't we all have to choose between life or death in the long run?
Who is in control of your life? Pray each morning, "Lord, I choose life. Take control of my thoughts and my actions. May I unselfishly live today for You and others, instead of for myself. Amen."
Used by permission of Health Ministries, North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists.
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